They tell on me. They show my heart. I lie. I lie with my mouth and curve the corners of it in an upwards direction like they like to see. I use the words they want to hear for reassurance. But those tears, they tell on me every time. Fuckers
Got me crying over the maybe’s…I’ve got a talent for thinking up some fucked up shit
So scared I don’t even want to speak it into existence
A depressed person would have skipped rehearsal tonight.
Another instinct may have been the feel of a blade
I’m up, I’m out…despite the heaviness in my heart.
I still take all his bad decisions personally.
His choices to lie and hurt my mother make me feel like I’m not important enough to consider in his life choices
I don’t feel considered, let alone loved
What about the years he’s supposed to make up for?
Hes supposed to strive for happiness and unity to make up for all that time he did
The best thing he’s given me is the ability to relate to the at risk youth I work with day in and day out.
Just let her be. Let her go. You’re killing her. Slowly and painfully daily. Let me have the rest of the time I have with her in peace
Comparing my life to film
Head in the clouds
That’s the same
I watch my husbands heartache as he is forced to confront the reality that his daughter is growing into a woman
The phase of life I never had
The thing I robbed my mother of when I confessed my pregnancy a month after my quinceñera
A beautiful and sad process
A necessary and unavoidable part of progress
Filled with love and heavy with potential
A new start
A parenting chapter neither of us know much about
Happy Fathers Day my love
When you’re loved one is acting from hurt
It’s not the time to be defensive and careless
Care for the cracks and spills before you start attacking …because you love the person
Or you’ll shatter the heart completely, from which you will need love and nurturing from one day
Treat it with compassion and consideration
The times when things are rocky with those nearest to me are the most unsettling.
I get distracted momentarily with work, and (thank God) friends.
But I always have to end my day at home…and there they are.
The Rock and the Princess. The two that burst my bubble and sank my ship.
I find myself fantasizing about leaving. Why does it come to this?
I want to leave them both to figure shit out without me.
I ponder about what kind of job the Peace Corps might offer me or which country I could be a migrant farmer in.
It’s ridiculous. I’m not free. I can’t just get up and go wherever I want.
I feel caged. I feel stifled. I feel invisible and over used. Unloved and unappreciated cyclically.
I’m avoiding the confrontation and discussion…that moment of vulnerability I haven’t mustered up the courage to share.
I’ll just get drunk instead
I am just sitting here typing in order to look and sound busy
Trying to keep the frustrated thoughts out of my head
The thought that I feel disrespected and not considered
The thought that my child does not appreciate what I do for her
I have feelings whirling in my chest
They’re trying to come out my eyes
I have to work and maintain my composure
I need to care about what these kids are saying
I must be compassionate and understanding
I am not permitted to tell them to “get over it”
I cannot roll my eyes and be selfish
I must show up and be present
Although all I want to do is hide
So instead, I will just hide my feelings.
Bury them deep so they don’t slip
avoiding using hiding organizing cleaning folding imagining re-arranging preparing writing thinking feeling listening longing hoping resting disconnecting coping escaping drinking burning tapping dancing wiping stretching
When the mailman pulls up
or there’s a knock on the door
when the bells jingle
or I hear the car roar,
I miss your unconditional love
and just your existence.
I crave your support and concern,
your healing presence.
The heart and warmth in this home,
the all knowing – of all goings on,
the vacuum and shedder
alerter of all all things, is now gone.
Over two weeks have gone by and I still miss my sweet boy,
aching in my heart sparked by coming across a toy.
My final wish for you: may you forever be blissful and may you rest in joy
staying in the moment
Focused on the positive
My love has grown exponentially
It feels stronger than ever
Won’t dare to allow my thoughts to stray
To wonder when and if it will all fall away
Being present and current
Grateful for the strong, sexy man that shows me love and loyalty
On the roller coaster
Soaking up sun and wind in my face
So in love with him