The fifteen year old pregnant girl could not look into the future to see
A good marriage
A beautiful home
Smart and able children
All she could think about was how she was going to finish high school and go to college?
She wondered if what she had with her boyfriend was love or obligation?
She imagined a life in the hustle of NYC
She couldn’t see the future
She saw the looks, read the statistics, and disappointed her loved ones back then.
I want to travel back in time to tell her she’s on the right path
To encourage her on those dark days
To let her know in twenty years, it’s all okay
We are happy, healthy, and love one another with the utmost loyalty, fortitude, & humility
Comparing my life to film
Head in the clouds
That’s the same
I watch my husbands heartache as he is forced to confront the reality that his daughter is growing into a woman
The phase of life I never had
The thing I robbed my mother of when I confessed my pregnancy a month after my quinceñera
A beautiful and sad process
A necessary and unavoidable part of progress
Filled with love and heavy with potential
A new start
A parenting chapter neither of us know much about
Happy Fathers Day my love
The times when things are rocky with those nearest to me are the most unsettling.
I get distracted momentarily with work, and (thank God) friends.
But I always have to end my day at home…and there they are.
The Rock and the Princess. The two that burst my bubble and sank my ship.
I find myself fantasizing about leaving. Why does it come to this?
I want to leave them both to figure shit out without me.
I ponder about what kind of job the Peace Corps might offer me or which country I could be a migrant farmer in.
It’s ridiculous. I’m not free. I can’t just get up and go wherever I want.
I feel caged. I feel stifled. I feel invisible and over used. Unloved and unappreciated cyclically.
I’m avoiding the confrontation and discussion…that moment of vulnerability I haven’t mustered up the courage to share.
I’ll just get drunk instead
I am just sitting here typing in order to look and sound busy
Trying to keep the frustrated thoughts out of my head
The thought that I feel disrespected and not considered
The thought that my child does not appreciate what I do for her
I have feelings whirling in my chest
They’re trying to come out my eyes
I have to work and maintain my composure
I need to care about what these kids are saying
I must be compassionate and understanding
I am not permitted to tell them to “get over it”
I cannot roll my eyes and be selfish
I must show up and be present
Although all I want to do is hide
So instead, I will just hide my feelings.
Bury them deep so they don’t slip
staying in the moment
Focused on the positive
My love has grown exponentially
It feels stronger than ever
Won’t dare to allow my thoughts to stray
To wonder when and if it will all fall away
Being present and current
Grateful for the strong, sexy man that shows me love and loyalty
On the roller coaster
Soaking up sun and wind in my face
So in love with him
need to vent
The kid thinks I don’t want to help him
I want him to grow up and take responsibility for himself
I don’t think I will help by bailing him out
I can’t afford it anyway
I, I, I…
I sound like a single mom
But writing to no one might be more beneficial than getting him to understand, reciprocate, communicate, act
There’s no one
dance theater closes
The boy has a fetish
The girl has a boyfriend
No babies left here
His future is unclear
Her precarious age, troublesome, it is
I’m feeling confident however
About myself for a change!
Finally this 33rd year
But reassured at the same time
Will do its job and teach us all
The best way to get along
Through love, laughs, and trust
I hope and I pray
This time of change
Will bring better days
Completely regret today. Not the whole day, but a lot of it.
I should have discussed it with the director.
I shouldn’t have let her go someplace else without us.
We should have accepted their invitation to their home.
Need a year to pass before I will stop thinking about it so much
The twisting knots as audible as dog paws on hardwood floors
Over analyzing the long term effects
Like a fading picture when you change the past.
Her future lies in my hands
She slips further away everyday
I feel lost
A hamsters life I lead
Regret as unretractable as the day