How was it? (journal excerpt)

Did I like it or did I fight you on that too?

I’ll never know.

It’s my own damn fault right?

Why keep being so excessive?

Set limits!

Pain from the injury to the inside of my lip where my teeth cut deep into my flesh is a constant reminder of my indulgences.

Is it his fault at all?

He was drunk too.

I’ll never know. I can’t remember shit.

I know, however, that I am responsible for me

Nobody else will protect me as best as I can protect myself and I need to start there

#917 “I miss you” 3/17/17

The spell wore off 

romance can’t compete with cramps

They scrutinize my insides wringing me dry

Waking from my daze the wonderment is prevalent 

Questions reiterate 

Again, feelings of betrayal creep back in 

Blasting beats to overcome the thumps from within 

My heart, my veins, my eyes swell and heave 

I bury the emotions to save face

Keep adding the checks next to my lists 

This waiting by for you won’t last 

I can’t continue to be so obtuse

Fear wearing off to face change and explain

The phoney naïveté my life has been 

truth be revealed

confrontation, depending on who it is may not be as easy as it seems

I can confront friends about bad relationships and call them out on their shit

I can phrase challenges and discrepancies to my clients

I can’t confront my husband about the mysterious “I miss you” text from an unsaved number he got though

Now it’s affecting everything

Every time he looks at  me I wonder if he’s thinking of more lies

Every time he shows me affection I wonder if he’s just trying to “throw me off”

I doubt every story he tells and every intention he’s had for the past forty eight hours

since I saw the words ” I miss you” light up on the fuckin I-watch I bought him

the unsaved NY 917 number brings back the vision of the picture of the woman in her underwear that was saved on the hard drive among our children’s Holiday band concerts

I am spiraling down

to a dark place again

Isolating in irritation and contemplation

uncalled for bad moods and shitty attitude’s are spewing out of me

can’t talk to anyone because he’s a prince in all their eyes and I can never dethrone him

I have too much respect for him

but does he respect me?

Is he lying to me? Is he cheating? Would he ever tell me the truth if he was?

 

 

singularduality                    (a name acrostic)

Somehow I always manage to cycle around to these doubts and feelings

In a marriage there always seems to be

Needs and desires that go unmet

Guessing at the right way to convey

Unlikely to find the right setting or time

Longing in the process to just blurt out the words

Achingly I distance myself, going against the urge

Re-evaluating how I love, perhaps I give too much

Deeming that I deserve more protection, trust, and love

Unmet, is the sensation left again

Another year to weigh in, the writings tell the truth

Love isn’t always enough

Importance of loyalty is the message coming through

Thoughtfully I plan the next steps to take, as I consider my life and how it’s all about

You

languages

love languages

I must remember to recognize when he is not speaking mine to me

He’s speaking his to me

He checks over the engine and vacuums the interior

I would prefer a back rub or a kiss

I am grateful, however, for the love he gives

Cause it’s mine and intended for me

from a thinker, not a feeler

to an extrovert from an introvert

which is why its hard for him to do

 

 

That was today? 

The kind of day that’s split and off kilter 

My morning broken down at home, where all I did was work.

To school I go to work. 

The homicidal and suicidal words spoken by the youth I hear impresses upon me in an eternal way. 

Anger, pain, anxiousness, and sadness are handed to me in pieces as I attempt to help the babies put their puzzles back together

There’s a sick kid I must lay my own eyes, hands, and voice upon at home.

I need emotional support that I feel none of them are strong enough to give. 

Off I go to be a master. 

I cry in the car when suddenly, there’s a Jeep Wrangler blazing in flames on the side of the road. 

The universe placed me in Group Counseling class this night and I shared that there was no material thing I’d run back in the burning house for. 

And upon my return home, my two answered the same. 

Baby and her father

Comparing my life to film

Head in the clouds

That’s the same 

I watch my husbands heartache as he is forced to confront the reality that his daughter is growing into a woman

The phase of life I never had 

The thing I robbed my mother of when I confessed my pregnancy a month after my quinceñera

A beautiful and sad process 

A necessary and unavoidable part of progress 

Filled with love and heavy with potential 

A new start

A parenting chapter neither of us know much about

Happy Fathers Day my love

Vulnerable

When you’re loved one is acting from hurt 

It’s not the time to be defensive and careless 

Care for the cracks and spills before you start attacking …because you love the person 

Or you’ll shatter the heart completely, from which you will need love and nurturing from one day 

Treat it with compassion and consideration 

Endings

dance theater closes

The boy has a fetish 

The girl has a boyfriend 

No babies left here

His future is unclear 

Her precarious age, troublesome, it is 

I’m feeling confident however

About myself for a change!

Finally this 33rd year 

Preoccupied, yes 

But reassured at the same time 

That experience 

Will do its job and teach us all 

The best way to get along 

Through love, laughs, and trust 

I hope and I pray 

This time of change

Will bring better days 

Reminiscing this Sunday

Stepped into a time machine
Looking for cd’s to listen to
While I clean my room
Remember listening to records and
Mix tapes
Smile and dance to my mad skills
Of selecting tunes to flow to
To daily function
Music is life
Never quite loud enough
Blasting through this afternoon
Actin like I could sing or something
Being grateful for my man and their dad
Love is in the air
And Soul II Soul
Brings me back to life
Release …
I Accept love and the sunny day

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