At 3:16 pm I mentioned his name
About the Xbox and watching that show,
with his sister
3/16 is his birthday
It’s 3:17 pm now
It’s her birthday
My St Pattys day baby
the twin souls
Of a Gemini mom
Born five years and a day apart
The spell wore off
romance can’t compete with cramps
They scrutinize my insides wringing me dry
Waking from my daze the wonderment is prevalent
Again, feelings of betrayal creep back in
Blasting beats to overcome the thumps from within
My heart, my veins, my eyes swell and heave
I bury the emotions to save face
Keep adding the checks next to my lists
This waiting by for you won’t last
I can’t continue to be so obtuse
Fear wearing off to face change and explain
The phoney naïveté my life has been
confrontation, depending on who it is may not be as easy as it seems
I can confront friends about bad relationships and call them out on their shit
I can phrase challenges and discrepancies to my clients
I can’t confront my husband about the mysterious “I miss you” text from an unsaved number he got though
Now it’s affecting everything
Every time he looks at me I wonder if he’s thinking of more lies
Every time he shows me affection I wonder if he’s just trying to “throw me off”
I doubt every story he tells and every intention he’s had for the past forty eight hours
since I saw the words ” I miss you” light up on the fuckin I-watch I bought him
the unsaved NY 917 number brings back the vision of the picture of the woman in her underwear that was saved on the hard drive among our children’s Holiday band concerts
I am spiraling down
to a dark place again
Isolating in irritation and contemplation
uncalled for bad moods and shitty attitude’s are spewing out of me
can’t talk to anyone because he’s a prince in all their eyes and I can never dethrone him
I have too much respect for him
but does he respect me?
Is he lying to me? Is he cheating? Would he ever tell me the truth if he was?
The fifteen year old pregnant girl could not look into the future to see
A good marriage
A beautiful home
Smart and able children
All she could think about was how she was going to finish high school and go to college?
She wondered if what she had with her boyfriend was love or obligation?
She imagined a life in the hustle of NYC
She couldn’t see the future
She saw the looks, read the statistics, and disappointed her loved ones back then.
I want to travel back in time to tell her she’s on the right path
To encourage her on those dark days
To let her know in twenty years, it’s all okay
We are happy, healthy, and love one another with the utmost loyalty, fortitude, & humility
Somehow I always manage to cycle around to these doubts and feelings
In a marriage there always seems to be
Needs and desires that go unmet
Guessing at the right way to convey
Unlikely to find the right setting or time
Longing in the process to just blurt out the words
Achingly I distance myself, going against the urge
Re-evaluating how I love, perhaps I give too much
Deeming that I deserve more protection, trust, and love
Unmet, is the sensation left again
Another year to weigh in, the writings tell the truth
Love isn’t always enough
Importance of loyalty is the message coming through
Thoughtfully I plan the next steps to take, as I consider my life and how it’s all about
I must remember to recognize when he is not speaking mine to me
He’s speaking his to me
He checks over the engine and vacuums the interior
I would prefer a back rub or a kiss
I am grateful, however, for the love he gives
Cause it’s mine and intended for me
from a thinker, not a feeler
to an extrovert from an introvert
which is why its hard for him to do
The kind of day that’s split and off kilter
My morning broken down at home, where all I did was work.
To school I go to work.
The homicidal and suicidal words spoken by the youth I hear impresses upon me in an eternal way.
Anger, pain, anxiousness, and sadness are handed to me in pieces as I attempt to help the babies put their puzzles back together
There’s a sick kid I must lay my own eyes, hands, and voice upon at home.
I need emotional support that I feel none of them are strong enough to give.
Off I go to be a master.
I cry in the car when suddenly, there’s a Jeep Wrangler blazing in flames on the side of the road.
The universe placed me in Group Counseling class this night and I shared that there was no material thing I’d run back in the burning house for.
And upon my return home, my two answered the same.
A depressed person would have skipped rehearsal tonight.
Another instinct may have been the feel of a blade
I’m up, I’m out…despite the heaviness in my heart.
I still take all his bad decisions personally.
His choices to lie and hurt my mother make me feel like I’m not important enough to consider in his life choices
I don’t feel considered, let alone loved
What about the years he’s supposed to make up for?
Hes supposed to strive for happiness and unity to make up for all that time he did
The best thing he’s given me is the ability to relate to the at risk youth I work with day in and day out.
Just let her be. Let her go. You’re killing her. Slowly and painfully daily. Let me have the rest of the time I have with her in peace
Comparing my life to film
Head in the clouds
That’s the same
I watch my husbands heartache as he is forced to confront the reality that his daughter is growing into a woman
The phase of life I never had
The thing I robbed my mother of when I confessed my pregnancy a month after my quinceñera
A beautiful and sad process
A necessary and unavoidable part of progress
Filled with love and heavy with potential
A new start
A parenting chapter neither of us know much about
Happy Fathers Day my love
When you’re loved one is acting from hurt
It’s not the time to be defensive and careless
Care for the cracks and spills before you start attacking …because you love the person
Or you’ll shatter the heart completely, from which you will need love and nurturing from one day
Treat it with compassion and consideration