How was it? (journal excerpt)

Did I like it or did I fight you on that too?

I’ll never know.

It’s my own damn fault right?

Why keep being so excessive?

Set limits!

Pain from the injury to the inside of my lip where my teeth cut deep into my flesh is a constant reminder of my indulgences.

Is it his fault at all?

He was drunk too.

I’ll never know. I can’t remember shit.

I know, however, that I am responsible for me

Nobody else will protect me as best as I can protect myself and I need to start there

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Baby and her father

Comparing my life to film

Head in the clouds

That’s the same 

I watch my husbands heartache as he is forced to confront the reality that his daughter is growing into a woman

The phase of life I never had 

The thing I robbed my mother of when I confessed my pregnancy a month after my quinceñera

A beautiful and sad process 

A necessary and unavoidable part of progress 

Filled with love and heavy with potential 

A new start

A parenting chapter neither of us know much about

Happy Fathers Day my love

Streaming

avoiding using hiding organizing cleaning folding imagining re-arranging preparing writing thinking feeling listening longing hoping resting disconnecting coping escaping drinking burning tapping dancing  wiping stretching 

sinful

The Catholic that remains in me         

recognizes the darkness in my heart     

contempt causing disease       

When it comes to this man             

             

It was easier to swallow your fantasies 

When pitying you inside your cage               

Now a senior juvenile into the same old…lame. 

Leaving this adult daughter wondering: how I will afford your funeral?             

The guilt                                                       

I’m consumed with it for even having the thought                                                

Some people would give anything for one more talk 

                                 

The evil, selfishness inside me wishes you had stayed far away                                

I messed with my fate                               

Funding your return was a mistake    

Unattainable and distant you were meant to remain                                      

But the broken girl thought you had changed                                                         

A mother twice over still wishing for a dad                                                                

Learning too late                                        

Regretting that I didn’t foresee 

How it would end          

Going to bed angry

Or laying in bed awkwardly,
is not recommended.

Feeling the granules stifle my feelings,
my imaginary bottle is headed for an explosion.

After being rejected and pushed away
The ominous pressure leads this mind down an imaginary road…

What’s my ideal partner like?
A selfless wise man that gives care generously
One that loves to cook
Or maybe it is a woman I need.

Guy or girl:
A generously affectionate lover
who caresses my skin whenever I am near
Tells me why I’m loved
Provides a compliment with wholehearted sincerity
And never,ever leaves me longing to be kissed

He said I shouldn’t do this again

I’m too stressed
Too anxious
Too tied up in knots with obsessive thoughts
I’m not good enough
The whole thing will suffer
It will all be my fault
Not even a has been.
Just a never was
A desperate attempt to keep my dreams alive
Is that selfish and unrealistic?
Where do I live…isn’t this reality? Someone’s already given me the task.
The job has been entrusted to me
Too late to turn back now
The show must go on

easy target

I give it all up for you, boy

and I give it all up to you, man

You, I give all my patience to, kid

To you, little girl, I dare to bare myself

None of you see it

Do you think I really want to check that you did your homework right now?

I do not feel like giving you a speech about earning your keep.

I am tired of telling you to, better yet,making you talk to them about shit.

I am done standing next to you in a class and repeatedly telling you to do your work

And you, the mother of the child I am trying to help, I do not deserve your resentment simply because we are the same age

I am tired of you, and you, and you…all of you

 

From Dec 3, 2013

Revoke

Completely regret today. Not the whole day, but a lot of it.
I should have discussed it with the director.
I shouldn’t have let her go someplace else without us.
We should have accepted their invitation to their home.
Need a year to pass before I will stop thinking about it so much
The twisting knots as audible as dog paws on hardwood floors
Over analyzing the long term effects
Like a fading picture when you change the past.
Her future lies in my hands
She slips further away everyday
I feel lost
A hamsters life I lead
Always busy
Regret as unretractable as the day

 

 

Split

Truly in half, in pieces
Can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t parent, can’t love
Parts of me battle each other as my shell carries on daily grindin
The show that is Christmas and more falseness
Fake lessens me
I am lost
Losing me
Losing the battle I’m at war with myself
I remain quiet
Tick tick tick
Am I a dud? Will I ever go off? What will I destroy? Who will be the casualties of my detonation?