Did I like it or did I fight you on that too?
I’ll never know.
It’s my own damn fault right?
Why keep being so excessive?
Pain from the injury to the inside of my lip where my teeth cut deep into my flesh is a constant reminder of my indulgences.
Is it his fault at all?
He was drunk too.
I’ll never know. I can’t remember shit.
I know, however, that I am responsible for me
Nobody else will protect me as best as I can protect myself and I need to start there
The spell wore off
romance can’t compete with cramps
They scrutinize my insides wringing me dry
Waking from my daze the wonderment is prevalent
Again, feelings of betrayal creep back in
Blasting beats to overcome the thumps from within
My heart, my veins, my eyes swell and heave
I bury the emotions to save face
Keep adding the checks next to my lists
This waiting by for you won’t last
I can’t continue to be so obtuse
Fear wearing off to face change and explain
The phoney naïveté my life has been
confrontation, depending on who it is may not be as easy as it seems
I can confront friends about bad relationships and call them out on their shit
I can phrase challenges and discrepancies to my clients
I can’t confront my husband about the mysterious “I miss you” text from an unsaved number he got though
Now it’s affecting everything
Every time he looks at me I wonder if he’s thinking of more lies
Every time he shows me affection I wonder if he’s just trying to “throw me off”
I doubt every story he tells and every intention he’s had for the past forty eight hours
since I saw the words ” I miss you” light up on the fuckin I-watch I bought him
the unsaved NY 917 number brings back the vision of the picture of the woman in her underwear that was saved on the hard drive among our children’s Holiday band concerts
I am spiraling down
to a dark place again
Isolating in irritation and contemplation
uncalled for bad moods and shitty attitude’s are spewing out of me
can’t talk to anyone because he’s a prince in all their eyes and I can never dethrone him
I have too much respect for him
but does he respect me?
Is he lying to me? Is he cheating? Would he ever tell me the truth if he was?
The fifteen year old pregnant girl could not look into the future to see
A good marriage
A beautiful home
Smart and able children
All she could think about was how she was going to finish high school and go to college?
She wondered if what she had with her boyfriend was love or obligation?
She imagined a life in the hustle of NYC
She couldn’t see the future
She saw the looks, read the statistics, and disappointed her loved ones back then.
I want to travel back in time to tell her she’s on the right path
To encourage her on those dark days
To let her know in twenty years, it’s all okay
We are happy, healthy, and love one another with the utmost loyalty, fortitude, & humility
Somehow I always manage to cycle around to these doubts and feelings
In a marriage there always seems to be
Needs and desires that go unmet
Guessing at the right way to convey
Unlikely to find the right setting or time
Longing in the process to just blurt out the words
Achingly I distance myself, going against the urge
Re-evaluating how I love, perhaps I give too much
Deeming that I deserve more protection, trust, and love
Unmet, is the sensation left again
Another year to weigh in, the writings tell the truth
Love isn’t always enough
Importance of loyalty is the message coming through
Thoughtfully I plan the next steps to take, as I consider my life and how it’s all about
I must remember to recognize when he is not speaking mine to me
He’s speaking his to me
He checks over the engine and vacuums the interior
I would prefer a back rub or a kiss
I am grateful, however, for the love he gives
Cause it’s mine and intended for me
from a thinker, not a feeler
to an extrovert from an introvert
which is why its hard for him to do
The kind of day that’s split and off kilter
My morning broken down at home, where all I did was work.
To school I go to work.
The homicidal and suicidal words spoken by the youth I hear impresses upon me in an eternal way.
Anger, pain, anxiousness, and sadness are handed to me in pieces as I attempt to help the babies put their puzzles back together
There’s a sick kid I must lay my own eyes, hands, and voice upon at home.
I need emotional support that I feel none of them are strong enough to give.
Off I go to be a master.
I cry in the car when suddenly, there’s a Jeep Wrangler blazing in flames on the side of the road.
The universe placed me in Group Counseling class this night and I shared that there was no material thing I’d run back in the burning house for.
And upon my return home, my two answered the same.
They tell on me.
They show my heart.
I lie. I lie with my mouth and curve the corners of it in an upwards direction like they like to see.
I use the words they want to hear for reassurance.
But those tears, they tell on me every time.
Got me crying over the maybe’s…I’ve got a talent for thinking up some fucked up shit
So scared I don’t even want to speak it into existence
A depressed person would have skipped rehearsal tonight.
Another instinct may have been the feel of a blade
I’m up, I’m out…despite the heaviness in my heart.
I still take all his bad decisions personally.
His choices to lie and hurt my mother make me feel like I’m not important enough to consider in his life choices
I don’t feel considered, let alone loved
What about the years he’s supposed to make up for?
Hes supposed to strive for happiness and unity to make up for all that time he did
The best thing he’s given me is the ability to relate to the at risk youth I work with day in and day out.
Just let her be. Let her go. You’re killing her. Slowly and painfully daily. Let me have the rest of the time I have with her in peace